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On March 3rd, 2013 my father passed away. I was in Las Vegas when it happened. We had just arrived somewhere to meet some friends. My sister Lori called my phone several times but I didn't hear it. She called my boyfriends phone, so I knew something terrible was wrong. He handed me the phone and she said "Daddy's dead Gia. He had a heart attack." At that very moment I felt a huge part of my heart crumble and die. I fell to my knees and screamed, cried, felt everything and nothing all at once on a sidewalk near Freemont Street.

As soon as I could when I got back to Nashville I went to see him with my brother Mikey and sister Becky. Becky also brought her oldest daughter Jenny.

Before entering the room he was in I found myself terrified. I didn't know what he was going to look like, how he was going to seem. I wasn't sure I wanted to see him this way but I knew deep down that I needed to. As soon as I turned the corner and saw his face I ran up close to him and started crying, screaming "Daddy please Daddy, no.... no." I don't know what else I said I was mumbling, mourning, I could hardly catch my breath. I laid my head on his chest and sobbed. My brother and sister wrapped their arms around me as we all mourned. I felt so much love and peace from them in that moment. I will never forget it. Shortly after my brother asked if I wanted to be alone with Dad. I said yes.

Dad wanted to be cremated so he was in this cardboard looking box. I wanted to hold his hand but I couldn't because he had his organs donated, all I could see was his face. He was wrapped up like a baby in a blanket. It was as if he were a child resting peacefully. Painful as it were, there was something comforting and endearing about it. I just sat there and laid my head beside him. I studied every part of his face. I know every wrinkle, the colors of his hairs, the brown spots, the freckles, his lips, his eyelashes, everything. There were stray hairs in his eyebrows and mustache so I gently put them back in place. I just kept playing with his hair, he loved it when I did that. I made some promises to him. Even though I was saying things to his physical form I could feel his presence beside me in the room.

Once I felt that I had no tears left and nothing left to say I began to stand up. I immediately sat back down as I realized this would be my last visit with my father, the very last one. It was an overwhelming feeling. I didn't want to leave. I told him, "I don't want to leave you Daddy. I can't." This was the first time he spoke to me. I heard his voice clearly in my mind say "Go be with your family now." Just as if he were telling me to wash the dishes. I still didn't want to leave him but I knew I had to do what he said.

In the other room the funeral director was making arrangements with my sister. As I entered the room where my family was I saw my sister Becky break down. She said something like "This is it? You just give them your credit card and it's all done? I can't believe this is happening..." Michael and I hugged her close as she cried and knew exactly how she was feeling. Dad knew we needed each other to get through this and that's why he told me to be with them.

Today is April 9th, 2013. I feel like he died yesterday, today even. I miss his physical presence. I miss being able to pick up the phone and call him at any time. I miss meeting him for dinner or a cup of coffee. I miss hugging him, holding his hand. I just miss being with him.

Things will never be the same without you Dad. I look at things completely different now. I think of him frequently. He is deep within the center of my heart, along side him are both joy and pain. I never knew the depth of feelings and love, they are limitless. I miss him every day and I know I will forever. Yet he is within me, a part of me. When I really listen, he is guiding me in what to do next.

I love you, love you, love you. Can't say it enough. But I guess I don't have to because he already knows, and I already know how much he loves me.

Dad

When I laid my head by your side and realized it would be the last time I closed my eyes and felt your spirit comforting me. You were cradling me. I finally broke and began to cry out the pain. It hurts so much that you're gone but feels so good to have you here. I love you, I miss you, every day.

Feb. 27th, 2013

It feels like my heart is slowly disintegrating. I don't understand why I'm not enough. Often I find myself as second best to video games, music, etc.

How is he able to talk to other girls on facebook but he doesn't have time to call me once while I'm at work? What the hell ever happened to the enthusiasm and overflowing love there once was?

We are going to Vegas tomorrow.

Honestly I don't know where we stand. I just don't want to fall...
I just want to celebrate another day of livin'
I just want to celebrate another day of life
I put my faith in the people
But the people let me down
So I turned the other way
And I carry on, anyhow
That's why I'm telling you

I just want to celebrate, yeah, yeah
I just want to celebrate, yeah, yeah
Another day of living,
I just want to celebrate another day of life

Had my hand on the dollar bill
And the dollar bill blew away
But the sun is shining down on me
And it's here to stay
That's why I'm telling you

I just want to celebrate, yeah, yeah
Another day of living, yeah
I just want to celebrate another day of living
I just want to celebrate another day of life

Don't let it all get you down,
Don't let it turn you around and around
And around and around

Well, I can't be bothered with sorrow
And I can't be bothered with hate, no, no
I'm using up my time by feeling fine, every day
That's why I'm telling you I just want to celebrate
Aw, yeah
I just want to celebrate yeah yeah
Another day of living, yeah yeah
I just want to celebrate another day of livin', yeah
I just want to celebrate another day of life

Don't let it all get you down, no, no
Don't let it turn you around and around,
And around and around, and around
Around round round
'round and around round round round
don't go 'round
Yesterday as I'm walking I begin to observe other people. Some are walking with their head held high, others with it bowed low. What are they all thinking? Most are in a hurry. Some are wandering as if they have no place to go. Some will look you in the eyes then quickly look away. It's almost as if they want to be invisible. Most humans can't handle genuine, loving eyes. The eyes really are the window to the soul and most people are too afraid to show that. We are subconsciously programmed to be distant from genuine, kind eyes seeing through us to our very being, rather than engage in that moment. It's as if we were robots! But then I see someone who looks straight back at me and smiles with their eyes into mine, filling my heart with joy and hope for humanity.

New season, new start

I know that things will be better if I have a more balanced life. I need to start dancing, I need to do reiki. I want to stop smoking. I want to quit the bad habits and replace them with good ones. I want to feel good again, from within. In turn I will be able to be a brighter light for others. It is possible to change. If you're unhappy you have to figure out why and make it go away.

hearing pain

Personal pain is the loudest form of a constant horrofic sound
that only you can hear.